I spent a whopping $12 purchasing a Google domain for one year so that I could hopefully share my blog on the big ol' Internet. I'd be happy if someone were to come across it; maybe they would find it useful or just downright entertaining. The intent is for MY personal growth. That has nothing to do with the Internet you might say. However it's important that we realize that humans were made to communicate. We are social beings. The forms in which we communicate don't even have to be verbal, but could be represented in some other form such as written expression, reading, or listening. I believe that I will only grow if I am willing to communicate my failures just as much as my successes, and to not sugar-coat a darn thing.
I ain't your normal woman. Not in body type, thought, nor in action. If I were to lay out all of my beliefs right here in front of you, you would be like, woah...you sure ain't playing, lady. And you'd be right...no, I ain't. One thing that I love and hate about myself is my level of passion. I get extremely passionate about the things that I feel matter most just as much as I do about what someone might consider to be small. I think the small things in life actually matter the most therefore we should invest our passions in everything we think, do, and/or say. The problem with having such intensity is that people can't handle it. They want to be around you when you are the fun you, the laughing you, the eating you, the gossiping you, the act-before-you-think you. They don't want to be around you when you are being passionate about things like religion, politics, men and women in non-sexual topics, explaining how and why we raise our children as we do, analyze our own habits, our career paths, our habits, our character, what's in our hearts, what happens when we die. When you speak on what others need to but won't you end up on the road alone (unless your words/actions suit someone else's needs).
I thought I was alone. Even during my marriage I felt as if I was pretty much a single mom already. I thought I needed the ooutside attention, the constant assurance, and the advice of people. I thought I needed to be romanticized in order to be appreciated. I thought I needed to spend every waking moment at the gym seeking attention, compliments, and creating this fasad that I hoped would pacify the time I have left on this planet. I wasn't even sure what my thoughts were about life and death, and often felt this empty, scary feeling when these thoughts came across my conscience.
I thought my children were tasks that I had to complete each day just like folding laundry. I have been so quick and short with my kids in recent years. I have not taken near as much time explaining details about whatever stage of life they were in, reading books with them, taking them out for fun adventures, etc. I went through a stage where I could barely even acknowledge my children on a daily basis because I saw them as what their sorry father left me with to raise without help in every sense of the word. I already had experienced plenty of adversity from my own childhood and failed marriage that I didn't have the bliss inside my heart to enjoy my children as God intended. You have no idea how hard that is to admit. It hurts. Bad. Super bad even. I am now willing to say this outloud. Do you see my extremely large mistake?!?! The very beings that came from my own loins have not receieved the love a good mother should give them on a consistent basis and I am worried about their future choices. I have good kids...Honor Roll, sport-playing, artsy...sure, they are talented. I take them to the required events. Mostly. Sometimes not. See? Again...I have work to do in admitting my own parental choices. I teach other peoples' children all day long and yet I oten fail at raising my own. My children are so used to being independent now that I see a stark awkwardness in my daughter when I try to be soft with her and my son wants love and acceptance so badly that he yearns to be touched. He'd remain a baby forever if someone would hold him that long.
I wanna talk about my marriage and how it all happened, why it failed, how I ended up where I am, etc. but all that has to be preceeded by me dealing with myself, my upbringing, and my personal choices throughout life. I cannot sit back and play the victim. I was the star in my own life movie therefore I must accept any 'award,' that may come with it (the good, the bad, and the ugly!). A super smart fella, Dr. Amine Ayad, who wrote a couple reallly good books on leadership and diversity, said it best when he stated, "Be humble to see your mistakes, courageous to admit them, and wise enough to correct them." I pray that God gives me the strength to remain humble and open with myself so that I may properly and with the right set of eyes, analyze...well...myself. Lord I pray that through humility I find peace in my heart and peaceful actions flow as a result for the rest of my days.
